18 Supplement #4: Interpersonal Communication

Principles of Interpersonal Communication

In order to understand interpersonal communication, we must understand how interpersonal communication functions to meet our needs and goals and how our interpersonal communication connects to larger social and cultural systems. Interpersonal communication is the process of exchanging messages between people whose lives mutually influence one another in unique ways in relation to social and cultural norms. This definition highlights the fact that interpersonal communication involves two or more people who are interdependent to some degree and who build a unique bond based on the larger social and cultural contexts to which they belong. So a brief exchange with a grocery store clerk who you don’t know wouldn’t be considered interpersonal communication, because you and the clerk are not influencing each other in significant ways. Obviously, if the clerk were a friend, family member, coworker, or romantic partner, the communication would fall into the interpersonal category. In this section, we discuss the importance of studying interpersonal communication and explore its functional and cultural aspects.

Why Study Interpersonal Communication?

Interpersonal communication plays a crucial role in both human evolution and daily life. Early humans who formed groups had better survival chances, passing interpersonal bonding traits to future generations (Leary, 2001). Interpersonal skills significantly impact psychological and physical health, aiding stress adaptation, enhancing relationship satisfaction, and reducing depression and anxiety (Hargie, 2011). Prolonged isolation can severely harm humans, as seen in cases of feral children who suffer psychological and physical trauma due to isolation (Candland, 1995). Solitary confinement in “supermax” prisons, where inmates spend nearly all day in isolation, has raised ethical concerns (Shalev, 2011).

Beyond personal health and relationships, interpersonal communication skills are highly valued by employers, consistently ranking in the top ten in national surveys (National Association of Colleges and Employers, 2010). These skills fulfill basic human needs for social security, health, and career success. However, interpersonal communication skills are not innate; they must be learned to maximize interpersonal relationships.

Interpersonal communication is strategic, with intentional message creation to achieve societal and relational goals. Success varies with the situation and communicators, reflecting one’s interpersonal communication competence—the ability to communicate effectively and appropriately. Effectiveness and appropriateness differ; for instance, a manager might meet deadlines effectively but alienate employees through micromanagement. Competent communicators balance effectiveness with appropriateness, ensuring feedback and inclusion to achieve goals without compromising relationships. This chapter explores key processes to enhance communication effectiveness and appropriateness.

Functional Aspects of Interpersonal Communication

Interpersonal relationships fulfill various needs, often prompting us to consider, “What can this relationship do for me?” To understand the strategic functions of relationships, we examine instrumental goals, relationship-maintenance goals, and self-presentation goals.

Instrumental goals motivate communication aimed at achieving practical outcomes, such as gaining compliance, acquiring necessary information, or seeking support (Burleson, Metts, & Kirch, 2000). Essentially, instrumental communication helps us “get things done” within our relationships, whether for long-term objectives or daily tasks. For instance, asking a friend to help you move this weekend exemplifies gaining compliance. Requesting your coworker’s assistance in balancing the cash register till at the end of your shift demonstrates acquiring information. Consoling your roommate after he loses his job illustrates seeking or providing emotional support. These interactions highlight how instrumental communication facilitates the accomplishment of goals within our interpersonal relationships.

Relational goals in communication focus on maintaining positive relationships, akin to routine car maintenance for longevity. Just as regular servicing keeps a car running smoothly, consistent relational maintenance is essential for lasting relationships. For instance, choosing to go out with a friend instead of staying in reflects prioritizing their needs, fostering a mutually satisfying relationship. This reciprocal concession indicates a healthy and complementary partnership, where both parties feel valued. However, if one partner consistently insists on their way or always concedes, it reflects a lack of interpersonal communication competence.

Routine relational tasks include celebrating special occasions, spending time together, and checking in through various communication channels such as phone calls, emails, texts, social media, or face-to-face interactions. Organizing an office party for a coworker who has just become a US citizen exemplifies honoring accomplishments. Making breakfast with your mom during a visit highlights spending quality time together. Posting a message on a long-distance friend’s Facebook wall saying you miss them demonstrates checking in. These activities showcase how relational communication helps nurture and sustain positive relationships, ensuring emotional connections remain strong and supportive.

A useful form of relational communication is the DTR talk, or “defining-the-relationship talk,” which helps maintain relationships by clarifying their status. Early in a romantic relationship, a DTR talk can reduce uncertainty by establishing terms like boyfriend, girlfriend, or partner. Proactively defining the relationship, such as expressing commitment, can affirm mutual understanding and agreement. These talks may occur multiple times as relationships evolve, addressing boundaries or changes. Sometimes, DTR talks become necessary when relationships need redefining, especially if they create ethical or professional conflicts, such as in supervisor-supervisee or mentor-mentee dynamics.

Self-presentation goals involve adapting communication to influence how we are perceived, much like companies and celebrities managing public images. Erving Goffman likened self-presentation to a performance, where individuals play different roles in varying contexts (Goffman, 1959). Competent communicators effectively manage perceptions by adjusting their behavior to suit situations. A parent might be stern, supportive, or culturally aware, while a new employee may initially appear serious and agreeable. Sometimes, people use communication strategically to portray themselves differently, as seen in Modern Family’s Haley, who feigns incompetence to have her parents do her work.

Examples of self-presentation include offering to help your boss with newsletter formatting to demonstrate competence, inviting a new roommate to lunch to appear friendly, or responding aloofly to a professor’s question to seem “too cool for school.” These scenarios illustrate how self-presentation shapes interactions and perceptions, allowing individuals to navigate social contexts and relationships effectively.

Managing instrumental, relational, and self-presentation goals in communication is complex, as these goals often interact simultaneously. In certain situations, one goal may take precedence over others. For instance, moving with your partner for a job opportunity in another state prioritizes relational goals, despite the impact on your job and social circle. Conversely, during a stressful situation, calling a best friend for immediate help, like bringing gas, emphasizes instrumental goals over relational ones. However, this approach might not suit interactions with a boss, where maintaining a positive self-presentation as dependable and likable is crucial.

The functional perspective of interpersonal communication underscores that we communicate to achieve specific goals in relationships. Instrumental goals help us accomplish tasks, relational goals maintain positive connections, and self-presentation goals shape perceptions. As we meet these goals, our relationships evolve into unique worlds shared with relational partners, each with its own distinct culture. This dynamic interplay of goals enriches our interpersonal experiences, fostering deeper connections and understanding within our social environments.

Cultural Aspects of Interpersonal Communication

Interpersonal communication not only serves functional purposes but also helps establish unique relationship cultures. These cultures, created through shared symbols, values, and rituals, are influenced by larger cultural and social norms. As we enter new relationships, we bring expectations shaped by previous experiences and societal influences, known as relationship schemata. These schemata act as blueprints, guiding how we believe relationships should function (Burleson, Metts, & Kirch, 2000). Although each relationship feels unique, it is partially constructed from existing cultural norms.

Storytelling is a key communicative act that builds relational cultures by creating meaningful narratives. This human capability, described by anthropologist Walter Fisher as homo narrans, helps maintain stability, test compatibility, and foster solidarity (Fisher, 1985). For example, when moving to a new place, sharing stories about past experiences helps establish connections with new acquaintances. Over time, these stories evolve to include shared experiences with new friends, reinforcing relational bonds. Storytelling is particularly significant in relationships outside dominant cultures, such as a gay male friendship circle that frequently retells dramatic stories to strengthen belonging and welcome new members (Jones Jr., 2007).

Personal idioms further contribute to relationship cultures by creating unique expressions understood only by those within the relationship (Bell & Healey, 1992). These idioms, akin to cultural language idioms, foster a sense of belonging through shared meanings. Romantic partners often use nicknames or phrases that might seem odd to outsiders but are endearing within the relationship. Shows like Jersey Shore provide examples, such as “GTL” (gym, tan, laundry) and “grenade” for an unattractive female (Benigno, 2010). Idioms enhance cohesiveness by establishing inside jokes and boundaries exclusive to the relationship.

Routines and rituals form relational cultures through repeated interactions, offering predictability and comfort. While routines may seem mundane, they create stability, like scheduled phone calls or daily conversations. Rituals, holding symbolic meaning, personalize widely recognized events or establish unique traditions, such as celebrating a pet’s birthday or hiking on anniversaries. However, negative patterns, like belittling partners, can harm relational cultures. Similarly, obligatory rituals, like visiting disliked in-laws, may reinforce norms without enriching the relationship.

Relationship rules and norms provide structure and boundaries for interactions within relationships and broader social networks (Burleson, Metts, & Kirch, 2000). Rules are explicit guidelines, like a couple agreeing to consult each other before allowing their child to sleep over elsewhere. Norms develop naturally, often reflecting larger cultural expectations, such as avoiding work talk at social gatherings. Violating rules can lead to direct conflict, while norm violations may result in awkward interactions. Enhancing interpersonal communication competence aids in navigating these rules and norms, ensuring healthy and respectful relationships.

Attribution

This supplemental chapter was adapted from Communication in the Real World, copyright © 2016 by the University of Minnesota, licensed under CC BY-NC-SA 4.0, except where otherwise noted.

We acknowledge that UMD’s TerpAI tool was used to adapt some of the contents of this chapter.

References

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